YOU FUCKING BASTARD ASSHOLE SONOF A FUCKING BITCH SELFISH MOTHERFUCKING PRICK DIPSHIT ASSWIPE CUNT NEVER LISTENS T A FUCKIGN WORD I SAY FUCKING ASSHOLE SO FUCKIGN SELFISH YOU ONLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOURSELF AND NEVER THINK ABOUT FUCKING CONSEQUENCES UGH IM SORRY BULL FUCKIGN SHIT YOU'RE SORRY

BULL



FUCKING




SHIT



SELFISH


FUCKING



PRICK



GO FUCK YOURSELF

Can't sleep. So I'm here.

I think I might transfer to Griffith University next year. I really don't relish the thought of transferring to a not so great university but the commute to the city is killing me, it's taking me almost 2 hours one way at the moment, it's just too much. And I can't move back to the city, not to live with a bunch of strangers who may very well turn out to be as psycho and criminally minded as my last housemates. So my only option is to transfer to Griffith *blows raspberries* lame. On the bright side Katie and I will probably be at the same campus so that'll be nice if I get to see her more. I suppose I'll probably end up doing medicine at Griffith anyway so may as well transfer now. Okay, excellent, at peace with that decision.

I miss Adam. He's such a douche I'm so mad at him and yet not mad at him and yet mad at him....The part that bothers me the most is being a guy he doesn't have to feel any of this. He gets to just go 'okay I've had enough of you now Rach, so be on your way' and just get on with his life as if nothing ever happened. And yet I'm sitting here feeling like I've just been told Santa Claus isn't real. It's as if everything good and kind and magical and innocent in the world has just been stabbed to death in front of me. The world suddenly seems a lot darker and lonelier than before.

I grow weary. I'm off to bed.

The frequency with which I find myself back on here, talking to myself like a loon, is disturbing. And yet I have no one to talk to, so here I am again.

This week has been shit house. Although trying to be positive and not stressed. Mostly just feel drugged up and drowsy and numb, which works I guess. So two trips to the doctors to get needles jabbed into me to stop me vomiting because apparently my heart is not only broken in an emotional sense but also in the physical sense of 'your heart is beating abnormally fast we need to stop you vomiting so you don't dehydrate further and go into cardiac arrest' type broken - awesome. Not to mention my very exciting (not) trip to the emergency room this morning, 2 hours of sitting semi-unconscious in the waiting room, sucking on some disgusting electrolyte icey pole, mum decided to go and get a pack of maxolon herself from her ward so she can inject me at home. Dad, as per usual, met someone in the emergency department that he knew, poor guy had been waiting for 5 hours. Glad mum came to my rescue. It made me smile watching her, throw her coat over her shoulder and barge through the ED doors on a mission lol.

School sucks. Mostly because I've already had 2 uncontrollable flu's this semester, this one has caused me to miss 2 labs worth 7% and I barely passed my online exam worth 10%. Just frustrates me so much because everyone else there just fucks around and I genuinely work so hard and no matter what I do shit like this happens all the fucking time, I just want to be able to do my work. Anyway. Being positive, I should be grateful I can do anything, blah blah blah.

On the bright side I had to see my disability adviser on campus and she said I had a very mature attitude towards my shit house existence. Which made me feel like the best liar ever. Gold.

Can't wait till this damn flu passes.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Feeling crap. And pathetic. And unwanted. And unlovable. Wish my neural pathways would rearrange faster to avoid this pathetic rubbish. I just want to go to sleep.


I find a map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines.
The distance from me to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see.
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places.

Your words in my memory
Are like music to me.
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

I'm so bummed, I thought I'd finally gotten rid of the sore throats, alas it has returned with a vengeance. But, I refuse to be upset about it because there's nothing I can do about it. The only thing I'm really upset about is I was supposed to finish up my group project tomorrow but I'm too sick to go, I hate feeling like I'm not pulling my weight. THAT is upsetting.  And I'm stressed about my chemistry final, Dr Waclawik has made it worth 55% of our total grade for the semester. Which sucks. I'm definitely not a chemistry whiz, oh how I wish it was biology lol, so much easier.

Apart from that I'm trying to be fairly 'zen' about everything, including the whole 'Kristoffer thing', never met a more selfish person in my whole life. Jess called me tonight and said she's sending him a bill for all the cleaning costs, broken goods and unpaid bills so he stops whinging about only getting half his bond back which we only with-held to cover those costs. I'm sure Lord Kristoffer will have a huge problem with it. I'm sure since the world is not revolving around Lord Kristoffer all hell will break loose, it's gotten to the point where Jess said she wants to delete her facebook and change her number so he can't find her. Jess' mum who used to work at a solicitors office said he has no legal ground anyway, since he refused to sign the lease, not to mention the cost of hiring a solicitor is more than the bond we with-held (to pay for the stuff HE RAN OFF WITHOUT PAYING). So I'm over that for now, he truly is the most awful person I've ever met, selfish and manipulative beyond belief. I hope I never have anything to do with him ever again after this, and I wish him nothing but misfortune.

Oh but happy news! Mark and Ralph are going to be in America when we are, I think they're staying in New York they said. Haha they were so good to Amanda last night, letting her do her card tricks on them. Mark looked a little sad or quiet or something, hope he's okay. Ralph was insane as always, in the best way possible. I think Miss Anna is heading for Texas today! Scaaaarrrry, I hope she doesn't get bashed to death with a bible!

Oh! And some of my ebay dresses came the other day, huzzah! Once my exams are over I'm going shoe shopping, oh haha when I was shopping for Katie I went into the lingerie shop and I wanted to buy everything, except the pyjamas which were the one thing I went in looking to buy, they were hideous.

Apparently Leanne has been calling the house again, I've seen her ONCE since my birthday in January, and that was only to get my stuff back. You think she'd get the message that I don't want to talk to her!

Dad has been okay since he came back from Griffith, okay so far anyway lol. Mum keeps dumping on me about dad though, I usually don't mind it but I'm starting to get sick of it, going on about how she doesn't care what he does anymore, and if he keeps doing this and that she'll leave him, and how he used to be her best friend and now he never wants to spend time with her, and she's right don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wish she'd tell someone else.

Anywho time to message my stats hroup and tell them I won't be coming tomorrow, ughhhhhhh, don't wannaaaaa tell them. Sigh.